Hello my fellow NobodySporters! This evening I was sitting here and thought it might be rather comical to write a post about ways in which our beloved Eagles could prevent their opponent from ever cheating against them; say – like in the super bowl or something. Alright alright, I get it, Patriots fans will read this and just assume I am talking about them. Well…I am. Ha ha ha. But really, I am.
I want to think that all will be well this weekend and we will get to compete against another historically great, well-coached, Tom Brady-led football team. However, it will always be in the back of my mind that someway, somehow, the patriots will just already seem to know the next play before we even call it. And our birds will be up against not only the 11 guys on the field, but the refs as well… So, for everyone’s reading pleasure, here is the NobodySports 5 steps to ensure your opponent canNOT cheat against you.
Step #1 – Purchase a team set of Rosetta Stone licenses.
That is right, learn a different language! Something obscure, like Mandarin (okay yes that is the most spoken language in the world…), or Portuguese, or Russian (although it wouldn’t surprise me if Putin was invested in the Patriots…). Now, hire a translator to translate all of the plays into a different language. Once all of the players have learned the plays, create a fake handbook in english and leave it carefully positioned in the opponents locker room bathroom. They will be so excited they have found your playbook…. Until Foles goes out for the first play call: “ALSHON, MING TANG TUNG CROSS TING OVER TANG, JAY AJAYI TANGITY TANG TONG JAY X ON 3, BREAK! Almost certain to be a touchdown play call…
Step #2 – All Offensive players wear the Defensive players’ jerseys, and vice versa.
This will definitely be a mind fuck for them. “And um, wait, okay we have, is that Malcolm Jenkins taking the snap? No that guy is too white to be Jenkins…wait, why is Mills in at RB?? There is no way Fletcher Cox is playing OL…although he and Long would make a pretty solid OL team, wait, Long is out there too?” Nope, just Foles in a Jenkins jersey…although maybe HE should’ve been wearing Long? Anywho, can you imagine game planning for that!? That Patriots defense would be so confused….
Step #3 – Run a slant play towards the Ref and intentionally miss the rocket of a pass thrown to you by your quarterback that just so happens to hit the ref in the nuts.
What? How dare you say I ripped this from the Longest Yard?? Anyways, taking out a ref is basically the same as removing a Patriots player from the field. Granted, they will still have 11 “players” out there but…one less player, i mean ref. You can’t fault me for getting them confused, honest mistake. Maybe they’ll partake in OUR touchdown celebrations? Maybe?
Step #4 – Purchase a cute, little “team dog”.
Yes, that is a picture of my dog Bo (down below). He is always an instant attraction whenever he shows up somewhere. Position a cute little one of these on the sidelines. Prior to a play, have the pup do something cute, like paw, or roll over. This is guaranteed to get the opponents attention AND distract them at the same time, leaving Ertz wide open for the touchdown. OR, just have the pup run out on the field and let the opponent pet him. My dog likes to eat shit, so you if you get lucky, the pup will breathe on the opponent and render them to appear unconscious. Time to go through the concussion protocol…such a shame.
Step #5 – Bring a soccer ball out on the field.
Your opponent can’t cheat if they have no idea what the hell is going on. Football? Futbol? Same difference! Foles with the header off of the corner from Clement, GOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Well, there you have it; another insightful post by yours truly. In the meantime, stay tuned for an actual unbiased post from Shawn as he breaks down the upcoming Super Bowl game. I will just sit here, counting down the hours until Father time catches up with Sir Brady in Super Bowl 52, and my birds fly off into the sunset. Ahhhh, I can’t wait.
LETS GO BIRDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!